The Beatitudes, Conservative Revised Version

There is a website for U.S. conservatives which has proposed a retranslation of the Bible to reflect their conservative values. Apparently the Bible as currently translated is too liberal. It makes Jesus sound too empathetic with the poor, too merciful and forgiving, too supportive of peace, and too critical of the rich. They want a strong, masculine translation of the Bible which emphasizes Hell, judgment, and free market capitalism.

For example, here is the flawed, apparently liberal, Catholic translation of The Beatitudes (Mt 5:3-12):

* Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3)
* Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the land. (Verse 4)
* Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Verse 5)
* Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice, for they shall have their fill. (Verse 6)
* Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. (Verse 7)
* Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God. (Verse 8)
* Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. (Verse 9)
* Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 10)

Here is a translation of The Beatitudes which should be more acceptable to U. S. conservatives:

* Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall pay much for anti-depressants.
* Blessed are the meek, for they shall be good non-union labor.
* Blessed are they who do not mourn, for they have kept their masculinity intact.
* Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after wealth, for they shall have their fill.
* Blessed are the unmerciful, for they shall be given positions of power.
* Blessed are they that claim to be clean of heart, for they shall be permitted to judge others.
* Blessed are the war-makers, for they shall be spreading freedom and democracy.
* Blessed are they that suffer persecution because they kill in my name, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.


I leave it to someone else to retranslate the Acts of the Apostles, wherein the Apostles shared all their earthly goods:

[2:44] All who believed were together, and had all things in common. [2:45] They sold their possessions and goods, and distributed them to all, according as anyone had need.

That sounds pretty darn socialist as currently translated!