Testament to the Tea Party Jesus

In 2010, an excavation in northern Somalia uncovered a text dated roughly to the time of the synoptic Gospels, but a text which is not included in any of the various existing versions of the Christian Bible.  The text is remarkable for the fact that the Jesus described in the Testament is wholly unlike the Jesus described in the standard Bibles.  The Testament Jesus appears to embody instead the ideals of the Republican Party of the USA.  

The following is a translation of the ancient Aramaic text into modern American English. 


Oh, my brother Apostles, I cannot believe what you have done.  I have read your stories of Jesus and marveled at your exaggerated tales, twisted history and critical omissions.  Your desire to create a commune in Jerusalem, share things with one another and “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” has led you to change the true story.  You compel me to tell the real story of Jesus, his passion for private enterprise, and his disdain for government and taxes.

I remember the story he told of his birth, as it was told to him by his parents, Joseph and Mary.  He was struck by the fact that a regulation of the Roman government had forced his parents to return to Bethlehem, despite his mother’s obvious pregnancy, for the sake of a census.  But, of course, the census was connected to a Roman tax.  And, because everyone from Bethlehem had to return there for the census, all of the good places to stay were reserved.  The few that were still available were overpriced.  It was for this reason that, according to his parents, Jesus was born in a stable, surrounded by bad-smelling animals.  Jesus often repeated this story to demonstrate the perversity of government regulations and taxes.  And he always sought to avoid regulations and taxes whenever he could.

One of you, my brother Apostles, said that three rich men came and gave Jesus presents of gold, frankincense and myrrh.  In your story, the rich men suggested that Jesus was entitled to such presents solely by virtue of his birth.  Have you forgotten?  Jesus himself said that no one helped him on his path to fame, that everything he had was the fruit of his effort alone.

It was lack of wealth, in fact, which forced Joseph to leave Bethlehem with Mary and his newborn son.  So many people had returned to Bethlehem that there was no work for another carpenter like Joseph.  He had to take his young family across the desert and sneak into Egypt, where there were always a lot of government construction projects.  He returned to Galilee as soon as he received word that jobs were again plentiful in the local economy.

That story of the wine at the wedding was also false.  When the father of the bride realized that his guests were quickly drinking up his stock of wine, he mentioned it to Jesus.  Jesus and I took all the empty wine jugs to the well and filled them almost completely with water.  We returned to the kitchen and poured what we could of the remaining wine into the water jugs.  The result was not a good wine, but the people at the party were just moochers.

You mentioned that Jesus cursed a fig tree that was not producing fruit, even though it was not the season for the fig tree to bear fruit, but you do not explain why he did this.  You did not comprehend his true message, which was this: we should all be producing fruit, all the time, however impossible our circumstances make that.  Otherwise we are only worthy of curses.

You also mentioned the time that Jesus gave a long sermon and distributed loaves and fishes to everyone present.  You omitted the fact that the loaves and fishes lasted because we sold them at the highest price we could get!  Yes, those people were participating in Jesus’ lecture, but that did not entitle them to food at our expense.

Eventually the authorities caught up with us and confronted Jesus, saying, “You failed to pay taxes for 5 years.  Who do you think you are?  A king?  The Son of God?”
Jesus answered, “Whatever you say.”
Unfortunately, this was not the time for sarcasm.  The authorities took offense at his attitude and condemned him to death.  They saw his refusal to pay taxes as theft from the State, which is why, by the way, he was crucified between two thieves.  The Romans were not subtle.  He died for all those who would not pay taxes. 

His body was removed from the tomb because Joseph of Arimathea donated the tomb but expected the rest of us to pay the property tax on it.  Jesus was opposed to paying property taxes.  That was why we kept traveling around.  So, we declined to pay the property tax.  Not long after that, the body of Jesus disappeared from the tomb.  We questioned the few people we found at the tomb, but they only gave us vague answers, and Joseph of Arimathea claimed to know nothing.

Now the lot of you are practicing communal living and giving away money to the poor like they are entitled to it.  Jesus would have rebuked you.  His message was to share nothing, honor the wealthy, despise the poor, and pay no taxes that might end up supporting layabout widows and blind men.

That is why I had to leave you, and why I now must reveal His True Message to the World.

Thaddeus


Thus ends the Testament of Thaddeus to the Tea Party Jesus.