Testament to the Tea Party Jesus

In 2010, an excavation in northern Somalia uncovered a text dated roughly to the time of the synoptic Gospels, but a text which is not included in any of the various existing versions of the Christian Bible.  The text is remarkable for the fact that the Jesus described in the Testament is wholly unlike the Jesus described in the standard Bibles.  The Testament Jesus appears to embody instead the ideals of the Republican Party of the USA.  

The following is a translation of the ancient Aramaic text into modern American English. 


Oh, my brother Apostles, I cannot believe what you have done.  I have read your stories of Jesus and marveled at your exaggerated tales, twisted history and critical omissions.  Your desire to create a commune in Jerusalem, share things with one another and “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” has led you to change the true story.  You compel me to tell the real story of Jesus, his passion for private enterprise, and his disdain for government and taxes.

I remember the story he told of his birth, as it was told to him by his parents, Joseph and Mary.  He was struck by the fact that a regulation of the Roman government had forced his parents to return to Bethlehem, despite his mother’s obvious pregnancy, for the sake of a census.  But, of course, the census was connected to a Roman tax.  And, because everyone from Bethlehem had to return there for the census, all of the good places to stay were reserved.  The few that were still available were overpriced.  It was for this reason that, according to his parents, Jesus was born in a stable, surrounded by bad-smelling animals.  Jesus often repeated this story to demonstrate the perversity of government regulations and taxes.  And he always sought to avoid regulations and taxes whenever he could.

One of you, my brother Apostles, said that three rich men came and gave Jesus presents of gold, frankincense and myrrh.  In your story, the rich men suggested that Jesus was entitled to such presents solely by virtue of his birth.  Have you forgotten?  Jesus himself said that no one helped him on his path to fame, that everything he had was the fruit of his effort alone.

It was lack of wealth, in fact, which forced Joseph to leave Bethlehem with Mary and his newborn son.  So many people had returned to Bethlehem that there was no work for another carpenter like Joseph.  He had to take his young family across the desert and sneak into Egypt, where there were always a lot of government construction projects.  He returned to Galilee as soon as he received word that jobs were again plentiful in the local economy.

That story of the wine at the wedding was also false.  When the father of the bride realized that his guests were quickly drinking up his stock of wine, he mentioned it to Jesus.  Jesus and I took all the empty wine jugs to the well and filled them almost completely with water.  We returned to the kitchen and poured what we could of the remaining wine into the water jugs.  The result was not a good wine, but the people at the party were just moochers.

You mentioned that Jesus cursed a fig tree that was not producing fruit, even though it was not the season for the fig tree to bear fruit, but you do not explain why he did this.  You did not comprehend his true message, which was this: we should all be producing fruit, all the time, however impossible our circumstances make that.  Otherwise we are only worthy of curses.

You also mentioned the time that Jesus gave a long sermon and distributed loaves and fishes to everyone present.  You omitted the fact that the loaves and fishes lasted because we sold them at the highest price we could get!  Yes, those people were participating in Jesus’ lecture, but that did not entitle them to food at our expense.

Eventually the authorities caught up with us and confronted Jesus, saying, “You failed to pay taxes for 5 years.  Who do you think you are?  A king?  The Son of God?”
Jesus answered, “Whatever you say.”
Unfortunately, this was not the time for sarcasm.  The authorities took offense at his attitude and condemned him to death.  They saw his refusal to pay taxes as theft from the State, which is why, by the way, he was crucified between two thieves.  The Romans were not subtle.  He died for all those who would not pay taxes. 

His body was removed from the tomb because Joseph of Arimathea donated the tomb but expected the rest of us to pay the property tax on it.  Jesus was opposed to paying property taxes.  That was why we kept traveling around.  So, we declined to pay the property tax.  Not long after that, the body of Jesus disappeared from the tomb.  We questioned the few people we found at the tomb, but they only gave us vague answers, and Joseph of Arimathea claimed to know nothing.

Now the lot of you are practicing communal living and giving away money to the poor like they are entitled to it.  Jesus would have rebuked you.  His message was to share nothing, honor the wealthy, despise the poor, and pay no taxes that might end up supporting layabout widows and blind men.

That is why I had to leave you, and why I now must reveal His True Message to the World.

Thaddeus


Thus ends the Testament of Thaddeus to the Tea Party Jesus.

The Virtue of Compassionate Government

I hear Teabagger complaints about government. One of them is that they shouldn't have to pay taxes to support things they don't believe in. They should get to choose where their money goes.

But society and government exist to ensure that all members benefit, not just those who are "liked." Supporting only those who are liked leads inevitably to discrimination on the basis of prejudice. Teabaggers have no problem discriminating against non-Christians, people of color, and so forth. But this is not only contrary to the principles expressed in our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution. It also defies social reality. Equal treatment is a legitimate expectation in our society. Failure to recognize this expectation leads first to frustration - and then to aggression. And teabaggers will be shocked, SHOCKED at the result.

Teabaggers worship private enterprise. But business is NOT concerned with the General Welfare of the people. It is concerned with individual profit. Where there is no personal profit, there will be no private enterprise. This is where democratic government steps in, to ensure that citizens receive benefits they should receive, as citizens. According to Teabagger ethics, where there is no personal profit available, there is no value. Damn them to hell, or to rebirth as poor people.

Senator Marco Rubio , Teabagger darling, has commented that neighbors, churches, and synagogues used to help people in need. And personal savings. Oh, my naive young senator! Do you honestly believe that neighbors, churches and synagogues can remedy the effects of high unemployment? Or the high costs of health care? Do we have to affiliate with a church or synagogue to get health coverage, even if we believe their creed is absurd? What if our neighbors are as poor as we are, or they don't like us? How many of us can save enough money for cancer therapy, hip replacement or heart surgery? Your suggestions are laughable. And sad, because you believe them.

But such are the naive, egocentric and unthinking ethics of Tea Party Conservatism.

The Little Teabag Realty Company

You know you’re not a Racist. You just want to live where there are no taxes, no unions, no gun control, no regulations, no welfare, and a government so small you could drown it in a bathtub. You want to live in SOMALIA!

There’s no need to take this country back. Somalia is already there! Make your Tea Party dream come true. Come home to Somalia!

www.my-tea-party-dream.com

"Have You Thought About Somalia?"®

(Photo source here)

Colorado Springs, Teabagger Paradise

What would a Teabagger's Paradise look like? Perhaps we shall soon see, in Colorado Springs. According to a recent report, most residents of Colorado Springs have no problem with the drastic reduction of their city's services due to lack of revenue. Already, it is said,

• one third of the city's street lights have been turned off
• cab drivers have been asked to help police watch the city
• park budgets have been cut 75%
• nine city buses have been sold, and there are no services on evenings or weekends
• police and fire department budgets have been cut, and police helicopters have been auctioned off

And some residents want further reductions. Apparently the presumption is that differences can be made up by volunteers and donations. I doubt it, but it will be interesting to see what happens.

I have a theory that Teapublicans would not care if their cities - or their country - ended up looking like Sao Paulo, Brazil: a place where the rich live in heavily guarded enclaves, and the poor live in shantytowns with no public services, surviving on drugs, prostitution, and other criminal activities. Teapublicans would be happier then, knowing that they were not paying for any social programs, and their guards could shoot to kill.

Observations of a Townhall Tea Party

My Republican Congressman recently held a Townhall Meeting, and, for the first time, I decided to show up. So did about 100 other people. I did not know what to expect, but I probably should have. I live in a congressional district where Republicans constitute the largest political party. It would figure that Republicans would dominate the meeting, but I was still surprised by some of the things I saw and didn’t see.

Although the population in our district is roughly 10% Hispanic and 6% African-American, the Townhall audience was almost entirely Caucasian and elderly. From what I could see, there was only one gentleman with a dark complexion.

Several candidates for office were present and handing out literature. All of them were Republicans. I was struck by the fact that their literature now prominently mentioned their sympathy for the Tea Party, whereas they used to highlight the fact that they were Christians.

During the meeting, the usual Republican talking points were made about the deficit, immigration, prosecution of alleged terrorists and Guantanamo. But I was most impressed by the extent to which members of the audience brought up the Constitution. A gentleman with an “Oath Keeper” patch ran around handing out political cards. I discovered later that Oath Keepers say they will refuse to obey any orders which they believe contravene the Constitution. Another gentleman held up a sign telling the congressman to vote “Constitutionally always.” And a lady announced to the congressman that she was taking an online course regarding the Constitution, and she was upset by a Supreme Court decision in the 1930's that had something to do with taxation. I suspect that Tea Party Republicans believe the Federal government should have no more responsibility, power or authority than it did when the U.S. Constitution was ratified Forget history. Forget that the language of the Constitution is sometimes vague and open to interpretation. Forget the decisions by the U.S. Supreme Court over the centuries. The USA of the 1700's is the utopia for modern conservatives.

What I did not see were signs that other Democrats were present. Maybe they knew it would turn into a Republican pep rally. I left the townhall meeting early, out of disgust with the rhetoric. But I also went away with a greater resolve to link up with other progressives in the area, for the purpose of political activities.